Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable
Joe R. Price

Before and after I became Christian, as well as when I began preaching, I was taught it was a virtue to be able to disagree without being disagreeable. I was told this is a needed asset when disputes occur (religious or otherwise), and I still believe it (Acts 17:2-3; 19:8; 1 Pet. 3:15). When you disagree with someone, present your case from God’s word without being disagreeable, and you will have a better chance of being persuasive. Plus, if you are the one in the wrong, you will be more likely to learn your error and correct it. I have tried to follow this noble path, but I have not always succeeded. I regret those failures, and with repentance seek to “press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:14).  

Over at least the past generation or two, “disagreeing without being disagreeable” has been eroded from the character of many Americans. Maybe it was not there in the first place, but I like to think it was. Now, it seems that being respectful toward others with words, expressions, and conduct has been thrown into the trash heap. Social media makes it incredibly easy to disrespect others. But, of course, the real culprit is the heart. Disagreeing with a polite demeanor has devolved into impugning motives and character, unkindness, rudeness, provocation, hatred, and violence. These sins are the opposite of love (1 Cor. 13:4-6).

We are deeply troubled by the animosity, bitter and cruel criticism, and discord in our country at this moment. Not a few politicians (and others) “go for the throat” of their opponents – not with a rational exchange of ideas seeking to forge agreements for the good of the citizenry – but to pulverize their politician enemies. An increasing number of citizens look at each other with immediate suspicion and contempt. Misunderstandings escalate, too often with violent and tragic outcomes. Division is ugly, painful, and destructive.

The disrespect seen in society is not new, nor completely unexpected. It is but one of the sinful results of refusing to respect God and others (Rom. 1:21-32; 2 Tim. 3:1-5).

What is especially troubling is when Christians treat each other with disrespect and contempt. Some will defend their lack of civility toward others (whether brethren or the lost) as “boldly standing for the truth.” It is not.

Giving honest, timely, and straightforward exhortations, warnings, and even rebukes do not exempt us from being kind and treating others as we want them to treat us (Matt. 7:12; 2 Cor. 12:19-21). Somewhere along the line, that simple truth gets hidden behind the conceit of pride’s self-interest and self-defense. If the truth we speak hurts (and at times it will), let us do our best to aim for the sinner’s heart to convict and convert the person, not to “put another notch” in our belt (Acts 2:36-41; 2 Tim. 2:24-26). We must not confuse passion for the truth with a lack of self-control that leads to “envy, strife, reviling, evil suspicions” and “useless wranglings” (1 Tim. 6:3-5).

We are not advocating unity in moral or religious diversity here – just the opposite. God’s word is truth and is the pattern we must hold fast (Jno. 17:17; 2 Tim. 1:13). When disagreements arise over God’s word, that is not our license to become dismissive, mean, rude, condescending, or abusive to others with our words and actions (2 Jno. 9-11; 1 Cor. 5:1-5; 2 Thess. 3:14-15). Why would anyone ever want to listen to us about God’s truth and their sin when we are unkind and uncaring toward them (Matt. 5:44-48; Gal. 6:1-2)?

If we are to reclaim and maintain the virtue of disagreeing without being disagreeable, we must listen to what others have to say. That means listening to understand them – not just to reply or argue with them. We may not agree with them. We might have God’s truth on the matter, but we should hear them out. It might just turn out we don’t have the truth. God’s word will decide that. Pride goes before a fall, and only the arrogant are so confident they close their minds to further investigation and Scripture-searching study to find out what pleases God (Acts 17:11).

Being “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” has the ring of disagreeing without being disagreeable to it. I might be wrong, and so I want to consider what you have to say (Jas. 1:19). Forbearance prevents us from becoming disagreeable toward others when we disagree with them (Col. 3:12-15). God’s word is the standard of truth, not what we feel and are convinced of within ourselves (Acts 26:9-11). Without a doubt, we are to “always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear” (1 Pet. 3:15). It’s the “with meekness and fear” part that often tangles us up.

Reclaiming the virtue of disagreeing without being disagreeable will help us untangle ourselves from sin and follow the example of Jesus (1 Pet. 2:20-23; 3:8-12).

When we can address disagreements without being disagreeable, we are equipped to keep our eyes on God’s truth and to help each other do the will of God. Then we will be an asset for the cause of truth by “speaking the truth in love” to unite in Christ (Eph. 4:13-16). The church (and our nation, for that matter) will be better for it. 

Top

“O Lord, Give Us Fathers”
Joe R. Price